Progress Report 28.3 (Answers, damn it!)

Anyong hasseyo, nitwit.

No small talk, thank you - let's just get down to business: Here are the answers to the true-or-false quiz from a couple of weeks ago.

1. It is indisputable that technology is the cornerstone of the modern Korean economy. Ever since China and South-East Asia began to undercut them in the manufacturing sector, the government has made hi-tech research and development its number one priority, and now, Korean companies such as Samsung and LG lead the world in the production of flat-screen LCD TVs, mobile phones and personal media players. However, it wasn't ever thus. During the 1980's, dictatorial President Chun Doo-Hwan (known to be none too keen on television) personally authored legislation that set the maximum size and minimum curvature of television screens manufactured here, blocked the issue of a patent for a Ceefax-style teletext system, and specifically outlawed TV remote controls, claiming them to be “harmful to family harmony [and] contrary to the diligent Korean work ethic.” The law stayed in force until 1987, when it was overturned by his successor, Roh Tae-woo - a huge fan of Japanese soap operas!
   
   TRUE or FALSE?

FALSE.

To the best of my knowledge, no legal restriction has ever been placed that limits the physical capacity of the television to give pleasure. Mind you, just because it's got the right equipment and proportions, doesn't mean it knows how to use it...

2. It's presidential election time right now in Korea and the race is hotting up. Currently edging ahead in the polls is Lee Myung-Bak, former Hyundai CEO, staunch Christian and repeated target of various allegations of bribery and corruption. His main competitors are Chung Dong-Young – one-time TV anchorman and the pretty-boy of Korean politics – and Lee Hoi-Chang, an ageing two-time loser hoping to make it third time lucky in 2007. Presently, it's anybody's game, and this has naturally led to the kind of muck-raking, mudslinging and dirty tricks that you'd expect from an election run-up in any country as the main parties battle for supremacy. However, Lee Hoi-Chang has taken a further step to improve his chances of victory, and it is a step that is more uniquely Korean. After consulting a practitioner of poong-soo (the Korean version of feng shui), he has had the remains of nine of his ancestors dug up from their graves and then re-interred at an alternative location judged more conducive to the realisation of his political ambitions. He has said in the press that he blames his two earlier election defeats on his failure to take this action sooner.

   TRUE or FALSE?

TRUE

Regrettably, this is so. Lee Hoi-Chang disinterred his forebears and moved them to another cemetery because he thought it would net him votes. It will not help him a jot in the election, mind, as Lee Myung-Bak at this point seems unbeatable. This is despite the fact that he is almost comically corrupt and despite the fact that he looks like Finbar from the Rubbadubbers.

2. If you've been paying attention over the past year and a half, you'll have noticed that a lot of Korean luminaries mentioned in my reports have the surname Kim. There's former president and Nobel laureate Kim Dae-Jung, eternal-president-of-North-Korea-from-the-spirit-world Kim Il-Seong, his son and president-from-this-world Kim Jong-Il, star of Lost Daniel Dae Kim, and many, many more besides. But it would be foolish to believe that the name Kim grants those thus dubbed any particular good fortune. Its prevalence amongst the movers and shakers is rather due to the law of averages – and increasingly so. You see, Kim is the most common surname in Korea, and now the nation has seen its number of Kims reach record levels. The 2007 census has revealed that currently 21% of all Koreans are named Kim – a staggering 10.5 million people.
   

TRUE or FALSE?

TRUE

It is a well-established fact that in any Korean Business English class, a large percentage of the students will be called Mr Kim. In fact, if you ever forget a Korean person's name, calling them Mr or Ms Kim will get you out of trouble more oftentimes than not. But despite the preponderance of Kims and despite their 348 different lineages, it was only in 1997 that it became legal for two Kims to marry each other.

4. Fowl, both wild and domestic, have had a long association with the traditional Korean wedding ceremony. Amongst those required to attend orthodox nuptials are: a crane, to represent a long and happy life; two mallard ducks, which symbolise fidelity and support; and a hen, which sits atop the banquet table and somehow signifies good fortune. However, only one of these species has any presence at the much rarer traditional divorce ceremony – to wit, the duck. A man seeking to divorce his wife is required to attend a district court, bearing an adult duck. His wife is also required to attend, herself bearing a duck. After stating his complaint to a judge, the court is cleared of all but the man, the judge, the officers of the court, and the ducks. The man is then required to stare out both ducks, and in no more than three minutes. Only if he is successful will the judge declare the marriage to be broken down beyond reprieve and authorise the annulment. (It was only in 1991 that this requirement was removed from the statute books.)

   TRUE or FALSE?

FALSE.

Although the birds get involved at the wedding as described, divorce is still a source of great shame in Korea and so any wildfowl that might honk or quack or otherwise draw unnecessary attention to the proceedings of a divorce court are kept well away.

4. It's a well known fact that ageing Western rock and pop acts can hammer out a decent living in Asia long after taking the fast train to squaresville in their home countries. In recent months, Korea has played host to Smokie, The Scorpions and even Megadeth. But did you also know that this permissive and charitable maxim can also apply to comedians? Cast your mind back 20 years and you might recall a rubber-faced Lancastrian funnyman named Phil Cool. It now seems hard to believe that the end-of-the-pier electrician-turned-impressionist once occupied pride-of-place in the BBC's comedy roster. But while changing tastes may have left Phil out in the cold at home, the last laugh has finally been his, as he has consistently been Korea's highest grossing touring comedian since the mid-1990s. After adapting his act to suit his Oriental audience - focussing on impressions of everyday items such as cars, washing machines and rice cookers instead of Rolf Harris - chuckle-hungry Koreans have not been able to get enough. Phil has consistently sold out venues up and down the country and even became the first non-Korean to have his own prime-time TV special. And his popularity does not look set to wane – early in 2008, he will play a series of gigs at Seoul Olympic Park that will see him into the record books as Korea's highest earning comic ever.

TRUE or FALSE?

FALSE

Although I would love it to be true, the fact is that Phil Cool most likely has trouble filling the front row of an Accrington working man's club these days, even on a pie-and-peas night. What's more, the Korean market would be a tough nut to crack for the latex-featured Lancashireman, as he would be regarded as inaccessibly high-brow, owing to the fact that his act doesn't involve dressing as either a baby or an old man and falling over.

6. Still on the subject of entertainment, whilst it may be true that there are many things that one could say about Korean television, it is unlikely that any one of those things would include the words 'innovative' or 'original'. The two mainstays of the medium – games shows and soap operas – both involve cheap sets, bad hairstyles and an inordinate amount of quiet, unfocussed discussion. TV here is staid, drab and homogeneous, and that's how Koreans like it. However, every now and again, a format comes along that manages to both buck the trend AND bring in the punters. This year, the honour has gone to a show that gets the ratings by pandering to two basic Korean needs: the need to hear foreigners talk about Korea, and the need to look at foreign women. It's name? 'Chat With The Foreign Beauties'. Its premise? Take a dozen female immigrants, doll them up and sit them in a studio to talk about their (almost entirely positive) impressions of the country with a raffish Korean host. At prime-time. For an hour. Every week. Think such shallow and sexist self-glorification would get old very quickly? Think again – it's been one of the highest rating shows on television for months.
   
   

TRUE or FALSE?

TRUE

As much as I would like it to be false, this is sadly true. Every Sunday, millions tune in to marvel at the Foreign Beauties as they try to speak Korean. Though it may sound like an unpalatable and tacky format – and it is – there has been some good to come from it. One of the Beauties revealed that her university professor offered to give her a passing grade in exchange for a cheeky fuck, and the resulting press furore led to his dismissal. Also, anything that shows Koreans that their language isn't something that God has granted them exclusive access to as a tool for one day conquering the world is a Good Thing.

7) After a decidedly wobbly start in the market ten years ago, breakfast cereals have now taken Korea by storm, and leading the charge is the Kellogg's company, whose well-known Coco Pops, Frosties and All-Bran ranges are complemented with Korea-only products such as 'Grain Story' Rice Flakes and Black Sesame Flakes, which are better-suited to more mature and conservative cereal consumers. However, despite their success, Kellogg's managed a massive marketing misfire earlier this year when they launched their Choco-Chex cereal. Their PR campaign involved round-the-clock TV advertising, celebrity endorsements and even a temporary breakfast cereal restaurant in Seoul's fashionable Myongdong district, that proved very popular with upmarket shoppers. But even with a considerable marketing push, Choco-Chex failed to take off. Why? The reason was the name of the cereal itself: 'Choco-Chex', when spoken in a Korean accent, sounds very close to the Korean phrase 'jo-go chik-sae'. Why was this a problem? Because translated literally, 'jo-go chik-sae' means 'gravelly pebbles of shit'. Kellogg's have since relaunched the cereal with the new name 'Sweet Cocoa Baskets'.

TRUE or FALSE?

FALSE

Though again, I wish this were true. Incidentally, one Korean cereal that you'd have a hard time marketing at home is Green Tea Flakes. They're a bit like corn flakes, but they're green, and taste like green tea. Mmmm – very delicious!

8. Protesting is something of a national pastime in Korea. Walk around central Seoul and it will not be long before you come across someone demonstrating somehow about something, be it the specifics of the Free Trade Agreement with the USA, generalised feelings of distaste towards to Japan, or the variously perfidious actions of the government in Korea. Protests are typically noisy and aggressive and are broken up as soon as they become a nuisance, so the actions of demonstrators rarely garner the attention so desperately sought. There was one notable exception to this rule, however, earlier in the year, when protesters expressing their dissatisfaction with plans to relocate an army base tied ropes to the legs of a live piglet and pulled it apart in front of cameras. This action got them plenty of attention - from outraged animal rights groups throughout the country and all over the world.

TRUE or FALSE?

TRUE

Don't believe me? Here's a picture:

9. One thing that Korea can be rightly proud of (in that it might actually be true, rather than being a myth based on xenophobic and nationalistic prejudice) is that this peninsula is, for all intents and purposes, drug-free. Come to Seoul looking for a 'doobie' or some 'rock' for your 'pipe' and you'll leave disappointed. This is because there simply isn't any 'product' here - and the government of Korea is keen to keep it that way. As they view drug abuse as a 'foreign' disease, they aim to keep Korea clean by staying cautious of immigrants, which means immediately deporting any foreigners caught with controlled substances, and also by closely observing immigrants' use of prescription drugs for warning signs of a potential problem. For this reason, if you are diagnosed or treated for the symptoms of cancer at a Korean hospital, you will also be placed on a police watch-list. Why? Because having cancer is seen by the Korean police as 'exhibiting drug-seeking behaviour'.

   TRUE or FALSE?

FALSE

Things aren't quite this extreme, though it is true that foreigners are generally perceived as drug-addled degenerates by the Korean media. Strangely enough, until about a decade ago, when the medical profession took on the pharmaceutical industry in the courts and won, you could walk into any pharmacy and purchase any drug you fancied without a prescription. Alas, how times have changed!

9. Finally, despite being one of the most conservative countries in the Far East, and despite professing to be a society based on neo-Confucian ideals, and despite vilifying foreigners as seedy, sex-crazed perverts, and despite placing duty towards family at the core of their values, and despite looking down on 'corrupt' Western culture, and despite having a population that is 18% Evangelical Christian, and even despite the fact that it's officially illegal, prostitution is Korea's fifth largest industry. It is estimated to be worth US$22 billion a year - that's 4% of Korea's GDP!

TRUE or FALSE?

TRUE

Take THAT, Korean neo-Confucian self-righteousness!

So there you go. Surprised? Enlightened? Still reading? If so, thank you.

No winners, unfortunately. Perhaps it was too hard...

That is all for now,

Anyongi kaesseyo,

S